Over the course of Memorial Day weekend, I sat down with an old friend I hadn’t had time to catch up with in a while. As we sat down with our freshly made coffee we got into what he referred to as “Content talk.” I will be rebranding that as Coffee Talk moving forward. The first hot button topic was, you guessed it, donuts.
After 45 minutes of uninterrupted donut ranking, we finally moved off-topic and went on with the rest of our visit. Since then I have had nothing but the breakfast delights on my mind to the point I have gone to tiermaker.com to give my official ranking of donuts. This is a 7-tier list going from Top Level Donut down to Do-Nuthing with a lower tier for things I do not deem as acceptable donuts. For the sake of suspense, I will be going from the bottom tier to finishing at the top marks.
Here is the official Coffee Talks Donut Tier List
Not A Donut: Though incredibly delicious I do not specify these as proper donuts therefore they are off this list, think of these as Honorable Mentions.
Bear Claws: This is the “I’ll just have one donut” play. They’re always in the back left corner of the donut box and you definitely pissed off your coworkers by taking the whole claw with no regard. Like a true grizzly, you swiped a prized item.
Apple Fritter: A crown jewel found in the donut shop, these are in a league of their own. The amount of sugar and bliss found in an Apple Fritter can put any bakery to shame. Plus Elite level of smell takeover.
Wonut: No this is not a typo and no this isn’t a donut. The “Wonut” is a waffle battered donut. This naturally sounds incredible but if I’m seeing the waffle ridges and it’s just the same shape as a donut then it’s a waffle having fun. A fad in the donut world that I will not give clearance.
Cinnamon Roll “Donut”: “But Elliott, it’s fried like a donut and it’s sold in a donut shop so it’s gotta be a donut!” We do not care. It’s shaped like a cinnamon roll, rolled in cinnamon, and is massive like a bear claw. Just because you put a glaze over it doesn’t mean I’m gonna look at you like a donut. Typically found in the right corner as opposed to the Bear Claw, it is another douche/power move to take in the entire thing, leaving the clear mid options of the box for your coworkers or friends.
Do-Nuthing: Bottom Tier Donuts no one is touching.
Coconut Donut: C’mon, we aren’t doing this. Coconut in general gets overlooked and sometimes unfairly clowned on. This is justified clowning.
French Crullers: The “artsy” donut that studied abroad and won’t shut up about it. A lazy effort at a swirl and has been utterly bested by ones higher up on this list.
Buttermilk: Don’t kid yourself, these are pastries. These are so old school they were before donuts even had holes in them. Aren’t even the best of the “Old Fashioned” donut trope. More on that later.
Not Living Up To The Expectation: A lot of hype around these and are most often then not, lackluster at best or just fail to meet the hype. A gimmicky flashy player with no real substance.
Cinnamon Twist: This one hurts because it feels like I’m picking on them. The problem is it is far and I mean FAR weaker than its better iteration.
UBE Donuts: AKA The Purple Donut, it is the prime example of all flash. The overcompensator of the group who tries to wear the brightest and shiniest clothes to stand out. An Ed Hardy Donut to its core.
Maple Bacon Bar: Rounding out this tier is the one donut that can overshadow the purple donut while never being what you want it to be. You see all the potential in the world and on paper, it should be the perfect combination. Sadly this is a gimmick donut to its core that will be extra because of the bacon that is never the right texture. A disappointment more often than not.
MID By Definition: These aren’t bad, but they aren’t blowing you away. Donut Box fillers.
Spudnut: A donut made with mashed potatoes doesn’t feel like it should work but it does the job. Odds are you thought it was a normal donut and had no idea that it was a spudnut, so for that, it stays the bottom of mid.
Sugar Donuts: These are the “How they run out of glazed?” donuts. You got 2 donuts left in the slot and it’s 30 minutes to closing, no one will complain about these and no one is getting wowed.
Vanilla/Strawberry Frosted: These are the prettiest donuts in the shop. That iconic colored frosting screams “mmmmm donuts *Homer gargle noises” and though they are that, they are your introduction to donuts. A noobs donut, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just you can do better. C’s get degrees in a donut.
Boston Cream: Donuts with Fillings are a tricky game to play. Some love the added explosion of fillings while others say Hell Naw. I usually stay clear of filling donuts as they feel more so like pastries than actual donuts. That said, they are iconic by namesake and are reasonably popular so I can say they suck.
Chocolate Donut: This would be higher if not for two things. One: It was an actual chocolate donut and not just a donut with chocolate icing on it. Two: If not for its far superior older brother that will be discussed soon.
Glazed: An icon to the donut world. A Donut that is responsible for arguably 90% of Krispy Kreme’s donut sales. Some might get pissed about this but at the end of the day, the classic glazed donut is as basic as it comes… And for that, it is the royalty of MID. Respectfully.
Certified Sleeper: Donuts that aren’t talked about or appreciated enough.
Jelly: Another controversial pick and I might be biased thanks to a local bakery that no longer exists and eating coffee cake with my grandpa, but the X-Factor of a sweet raspberry filling can elevate a donut to unprecedented levels. That said they are a gamble and possibly the messiest on the list so napkins are mandatory.
Devil’s Food Donut: An absolute GEM of a donut. The bad boy of the donut game, it’s your rebel phase. A chocolate-based donut glazed, so good that topping would only ruin it? What makes these donuts truly sleepers though, is the fact that these donuts aren’t at their best in a donut shop. The Hostess box found at supermarkets SLAP EVEN HARDER. Unfortunately for them, that is exactly why they aren’t higher on the list. A blessing and a curse so is the way of the devil.
Crumb Donut: Another supermarket BANGER. I won’t lie, I don’t often see these when I go into the donut shop, making me think they’re more popular than even I realize. Much like the Devil Food Donut though, their best iteration is found in the supermarket in those bitchin’ donut sleeves you had for breakfast because you ran waaaaaay too late for school/work. Out of the two supermarket hitters though, the crumb wins at the buzzer.
Croissant Donut: AKA the Cronut and an absolute beast of a donut. The flaky buttery middle is truly a blessing from the heavens. Now you’re probably wondering why I have it at the top of Sleepers and not higher? This is not a slander on the flavor, what makes it a sleeper is name recognition, popularity, and overall flavor. And while it has flavor in spades, the upcoming donuts I feel have more popularity and can match in terms of flavor and recognition. But can absolutely carry its own weight in any box of dozen.
High Ranking: These donuts are without a doubt stars in their own right, but they aren’t superstars. The great tv actor, someone you can watch every day but not someone who can quite make the jump to movies.
Chocolate Frosted Donut with Sprinkles: A selfish pick and one people might scoff at. We do not care. The clear alpha of the frosted with sprinkles trio, it absolutely BODIES the classic vanilla or strawberry frosted donut. Some people say too much chocolate is a bad thing, if that’s the case then I don’t want to be good. King of the frosted with sprinkle lineage and will remain on top for centuries to come. To be fair though, since this can be seen as a selfish pick by yours truly I will place it at the bottom of High Ranking.
Blueberry Donut: An absolute anomaly. I think it is safe to say that blueberries, although good, are no one’s favorite fruit. That said, they are unquestionably versatile, especially in the sweets/dough game. Examples of blueberries being a perfect pairing: Bagels, a sweet and savory wombo combo. Muffins, the blueberry muffin is quite possibly the number one muffin flavor of all time. Finally, the blueberry donut. The fun of the blue swirled into the dough is one of the best cross-sections in the donut game.
Maple Bar: Sometimes more is less. People have been swearing on maple bars forever and it’s honestly not necessary. The Maple Bar is a solid, dependable donut. This is always in the box but for some reason, always one of the donuts left toward the end. Little do people know that is EXACTLY where the Maple Bar shines! A fourth quarter star, it might not show in the beginning but when you’re down after the lunch lull and need a pick me up. Sadly, it is the Luigi in the Bar family.
Finally,
Top Level Donuts: The Alpha Chads of the donut world, the ones that stand above the rest and rightfully so.
Old Fashioned Donut: It’s shaped like a crown for a reason. The crunch you get when you bite into an old-fashioned donut is a revelation. Its unique design compared to its counterparts as well as its texture overwhelmingly dominates, especially if you get a blueberry glazed old fashioned. A save vet that’s game will never age.
Chocolate Bar: I would argue that no box of donuts is complete without a chocolate bar. The Mario to the Maple Bar’s Luigi, the chocolate bar is the absolute star of the bar family. From its perfect design to the perfect chocolate to donut bite ratio. The chocolate bar is an absolute MUST buy when getting a box and is typically within the first three donuts you usually pick when looking through that glass.
Glazed Twist: C’mon. A legend. Iconic look, unique style, and seemingly perfect in every bite. The glazed twist is a donut you personally get yourself outside of the 12-pack you buy. This is the first donut taken 100 percent of the time and it’s not even close. This donut most often doesn’t even make it back to the office or the house because it didn’t survive the car ride home. You walk in with the pieces of leftover glaze scattered all over your clothes and face and its a crime you’ll fess up to with a clear conscience.
But there can only be one that stands at the top of the Donut World. I mentioned how the Glazed Twist had a seemingly perfect bite, but there is only one donut that IS A PERFECT BITE.
Donut Holes: Short Kings can rule. The most perfect bite of every donut in one bite. Not only are they the cheapest option, not only are they the most portable option, not only are they technically THE HEALTHIEST option due to their short stature, BUT they are without a doubt the first donut your parents or guardians ever gave you. The guilt free donut or absolute glutton donut. the “I won’t have a whole donut but 2-3 donut holes will be fine.” To be fair this is a double edged sword. This could also lead to “Since they’re the holes I can have more and it’s not a big deal.” This almost always leads to 20 of those bad boys getting demolished and yet you wish you could have 20 more. Perfect with coffee, perfect for a snack, perfect to share, and perfect to cure that sweet tooth. The Donut Hole is Pearl found on a mermaids necklace. It is royalty above all other donuts and it will sit comfortably on its sweetly glazed throne.
All hail to the king baby.
