Happy Halloween Witches!
In honor of the holiday spirit, my committee and I have gone through the in-field research and compiled all of the data necessary to bring you the most accurate Halloween candy tier list. Below are all the candies sorted so you and your kids know the candy bag winners, and those try to pawn off to your friend losers. From “Mount Crushmore” to the infamous “Your House Is Getting Egged” these tiers can make or break you like a Kit Kat bar. Now I will briefly go through the tiers and their definitions:
Mount Crushmore: The top 4. The best of the best to find in your candy bag, off the table when it comes to trading.
All-Star: No bag is complete without them. High trade value and always good. Save these for weeks after Halloween and are a big part of your stash.
Blue Collar Candy: Dependable, great trading pieces, and always solid. These candies are always there for you, though they may not have other candies’ “wow” factor.
Fun/Trade Bonuses: The Fajitas of candies. These don’t bring much value, but they are fun to eat and exciting trade pieces to get better candies.
Mid-Ass Candy: The name says it all, these are leftover candies and ones you desperately try to get rid of in your bag. You’ll eat them in a pinch but they’re “meh” at best.
This Some Bulls**t: These are candies that you only see on Halloween. Lazy candies that could very well get your house teepeed. I advise against handing these out for Halloween.
Egging Your House: Just leave your lights off if you even think about handing these atrocities out. You suck and your family should be ashamed.
Treats I’ve Never Seen While Trick Or Treating: Some of these I’ve never heard of while others are treats I wish we saw more of. Some of these would be Mount Crushmore if I had seen them in the wild.
Now that the tiers have been described, let’s dive into this sweet sweet tier list.
As usual, we will start from the bottom and work our way up.
Never Seen:
Andes: I won’t lie, I have no idea what these are, truly an unknown therefore the committee and I felt this tier was fitting.
Zero: Another unknown entity. With no background to reference these stay in the mystery tier.
Haribo: A candy I wouldn’t be upset with honestly. Who doesn’t love gummy bears? Sadly these bears must be in hibernation because the committee and I have not seen these in any trick-or-treating basket.
Mamba: Another candy that is delicious but has never actually been seen on the 31st. Like the gummy bears, these would be high on the list, but due to lack of evidence, they must stay here.
Toblerone: Ain’t no way anyone has handed these out anywhere outside of an airport.
Fruit Roll-Ups: These absolutely slap and would DOMINATE trick or treating if these were gifted out more often, sadly for these and the next treat they must stay in this tier.
Gushers: These would be a Mount Crushmore if you saw these seen more often on Halloween. These juggernauts would wipe the floor if they were released on Halloween.
Egging Your House: Be Warned. DO NOT GIVE THESE OUT.
Apple or Fruit: If you’re out here giving fruit or anything with actual health benefits, just know you’re catching a fade.
Toothbrush/Dental Care: The eggs have already hit your window. A minimum of 8 eggs are hitting your windows, garage, and front door and honestly, that’s still not enough. You suck. Yet these still aren’t as bad as the next “candy” on this tier.
Good And Plenty: These might just be, the worst candies in existence. I can honestly say I have never met someone who genuinely likes these monstrosities that some call “candy.” An absolute insult to anyone partaking in the festivities of Halloween and I will personally buy them the eggs.
This Some Bulls**t: You’re playing a dangerous game. If you go with these, you could be picking up toilet paper in your front yard.
Gum: This isn’t candy. This doesn’t make anyone happy. Halloween gum lasts maybe the first 3 bites and then it’s worthless. Scumbag behavior.
Hershey Kisses: You’re cheap. You buy these so you can say you gave out a ton of candy but in reality, you’re a tightwad. I get it, but this is doing just enough to pass. Bare minimum effort.
Werther’s: I’m lumping them all together. You took these from your grandparent’s house because I’ve never seen someone actually buy these candies.
Strawberry Wrapper Candies? I don’t actually know the name of these candies but they’re in every little glass bowl at again, your grandparent’s house. Buy a bag of candy already.
Fireballs: These at least have some novelty to them, but these are more torturous than anything. If you’re handing these out on Halloween, you simply enjoy watching people suffer.
Smarties: Speaking of making people suffer. These are arguably the most pathetic candy I’ve ever seen. Chalky, small, with little to no value. Bum ass candy.
Candycorn: This is a novelty candy and that’s it. You had these as a kid, you made vampire fangs with them, and now you pawn them off to your kid.
Chocolate-Covered Raisins: You’re on thin ice. Just because it’s covered in chocolate doesn’t mean there aren’t raisins in there. These might be nostalgic to me, but they aren’t for most. I can hear the ice cracking beneath you.
Dots: A joke of a candy. These are thrown into variety packs to get people to eat them. The only time of the year anyone eats Dots is Halloween. That’s it.
Necco Wafers: Get out.
Runts: The lamest of Willy Wonka candies. You should be ashamed.
Mid-Ass Candy: Not bad, but not good. Candy bag stuffers.
Sugar Daddies/Babies: You’re losing a tooth.
Payday: They were made during the Great Depression and that’s exactly how it feels biting into one.
Mike And Ikes: I mean how basic of candy can you be. One of the most forgettable candies out there.
Lemonheads: Basically lemon Mike and Ikes, but these at least have a goofy mascot on the box.
Hot Tamales: These are for the edgy kids. The kids that go out of their way to have these are looking for a fight. The kinda kid that smiles after getting a bloody nose.
Tootsie Rolls: An OG candy. Doesn’t offend anyone but you aren’t stoked that you got them. Weirdly alright on Halloween though. This goes for all the other flavored Tootsies as well.
Heath Bar: What kinda fake Hershey bar is this? *Proceeds to Yeet aggressively.
Mr. Goodbar: Another candy you’ve never seen by itself. Always a part of the Hershey combo pack and you eat it without even realizing you’ve eaten one.
Tootsie Pop: It’s a lollipop so it has the lasting ability. At first, you’ll attempt to see how many licks it takes, then it’ll slice your tongue and it’ll get old quickly.
Now and Laters: Let’s just be real here, these are knock-off brand Starburst, and that’s ok.
Milk Duds: I mean it’s in the name…
Baby Ruths: These have a little more weight to them compared to the other chocolate bars in this tier. But I will never not think of the pool scene from Caddyshack which is a blessing and a curse, so for that reason, they stay here.
100 Grand Bar: They have all the ingredients to be great, but just aren’t. It’s like when you see a movie with a great cast and it turns out… just ok.
Twizzlers: These are movie theatre candies plain and simple. Their power is at its highest when you’re in front of the big screen, outside of that they’re serviceable.
Fun/Trade Pieces: Big personalities in this batch. Not the best but fun to eat and can be used to trade for better candy.
Ring Pops: The jewelry of the playground. You got one of these in your bag and you’re bound to make someone jealous. A serious flex in the candy game.
Whoppers: You can demolish Whoppers. You can throw them, catch them in your mouth, and eat a carton’s worth before getting sick. Not the best candy but are definitely fun.
Warheads: One of the first dares you had as a kid. A right of passage, what separated the boys from the men. The kids that eat these regularly are the kids playing bloody knuckles during lunch.
Almond Joy/Mounds: I can already hear you complain about this one. They can be used in trade negotiations and are one of the few exceptions where coconut works. I stand by this, well more so Mounds.
Sugar Sticks: Let’s be honest, we’ve all snorted these.
Laffy Taffy: These aren’t necessarily good, but they aren’t bad either. The wrappers are the source of where most dads get their jokes from.
Fun Dip: I mean fun is in the name, C’mon! Tongue changing, the stick is alright and an all time snack bar candy.
Blow Pop: A Tootsie Pop but like, WAAAAAY better. The flavors are better and the gum center is actual worth it.
Junior Mints: The fun of Whoppers but they have a unique center. Mint isn’t for everyone but these are bites and everyone can get behind bites.
Jolly Ranchers: Sweet, most flavors are a hit, and most times you can get a handful of them at a time. Always a solid play when you get these in your basket.
3 Musketeers Bar: When it comes to chocolate bars these can be forgotten. That said who hasn’t eaten the insides first like an absolute psychopath?
Sweet Tarts: You either get the ones you crunch into which are solid, or the even better chews which are absolute hitters. Either way, you’re doing well if you got some of these in your bag.
Nerds: Nerds on Halloween kick serious ass. Fun to eat, the box is always swaggy, and everyone likes them making them great to get bigger fish.
Airheads: The best thing about Airheads is when you twist a few of them together to make a Mega Airhead. No one’s ever upset with an airhead and is a good added bonus to candy trades.
Blue Collar Candy: Dependable, tasty, and always in the bag. Might not be the fanciest, but your bad would be complete without them.
Sweedish Fish: One of the best gummy/sweet candies you can get. You almost always do the Sweedish Chef impression once you see them and you can play with them. Solid across the board.
York: The perfect bite of mint and chocolate, the fun size is the perfect circle of joy. I will not tolerate peppermint slander, especially as the seasons change.
Butterfingers: These had the potential to be game changers if they didn’t get stuck in your teeth. The first bite of a Butterfingers is unreal good, then you spend the next 45 seconds getting them out of your teeth.
Hershey’s Bar: An OG. Simple and sweet. It’s chocolate in its purest form. Maybe a little boring but never disappointing.
Crunch Bar: When I think of a Crunch bar I think of construction workers’ candy. Not sure exactly what that means but it feels fitting.
MnMs: Always a solid grab in the bag. Iconic mascots, fun candies to catch in your mouth, and a certified classic. Can never go wrong with MnMs.
Carmel Apple Pops: King of the Snack Bar. No better lollipop out there. The perfect balance of sweet apple and caramel. Should honestly probably be higher on the list, but since it’s not seen as often as the next set of candies, it must stay here. Never disappointing, always happy to see these.
All-Star: Some of the best candies in the game right now.
Peanut MnM’s: Though I have my own feelings about nuts in candy, I can’t deny that Peanut MnMs slap. Plus if you’re lucky you get the infamous “All Chocolate” one where they forget the nut and just fill it with chocolate. This candy hits and hits hard in the paint.
Skittles: I’d have this one higher if it was the purple bag, but I am fair so I must leave it as is. One of the elite fruit-flavored candies, the hard crunch with sweet centers, and some of the best in the biz.
Starburst: But sadly for Skittles, the original red bag doesn’t hold up compared to the original starburst. And just so we’re clear. In order: Red, Orange, Pink, Yellow. I said it, I meant it, and I’m here to represent it.
Sour Patch Kids: I know these have been around for a while, but why do they feel new? I’m not sure when it happened, but their rise to power can not be denied. Great commercials, great flavors, and a powerhouse for the perfect amount of zing. Sour. Sweet. Gone.
Milky Way: The perfect combination of chocolate and caramel. Melts in your mouth and feels like a bite out of this world. I know what I did there and I don’t care, they kick ass.
Cookies n Cream Hershey’s Bar: The remix that’s better than the original. An absolute banger of a candy bar that stands above the classic Hershey’s bar. One of the best in the biz and a cut above the rest.
Reese’s Pieces: If you don’t pronounce them pee-cees we got a problem. The best of the bites candies. Some prefer these over the original, but sadly there’s just something about the original cup.
Now without further adieu,
Mount Crushmore: Top 4, best of the best.
Kit Kat Bar: Chocolate wafers that break apart. I mean these will never not be fire. Two in a fun size feels like the perfect amount plus they have that perfect crunch bite. The sound of that break is like a symphony.
Twix: A cookie candy bar. That’s what a Twix is. Do I really need to spell it out? A great crunch, caramel that curls out, and all swimming under a bed of chocolate. A hybrid and a bit of a showoff. But we aren’t mad about it.
Snickers: You knew it was gonna be here. Arguably one of the most satisfying bites in candy history. All of the flavors perfectly complement one another. A candy bar that can genuinely tide you over, a cornerstone in the candy game and we would be lost without it.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Yin and Yang. Perfectly balanced. Chocolate and peanut butter dance an elegant ballet that will last the test of time. Simple, and perfect.
